Life was good, for me and those I loved.  I was young, happy, and full of hope for a bright tomorrow.  I had the job I wanted, the most loving wife, three amazing children, and a beautiful new home.  I had my health, and I was living my days to the fullest.  I was always on the go; whether I was at Northwind Stables working with horses, or traveling with my family, or riding the back roads along the river and the creeks.  The world wasn’t going to hold me down.  I had God too…He was right there…whenever I had time for Him.

As the leaves began to turn incredible shades of orange and red in October of 2006, I also noticed some incredible changes in my health.  However, these changes were not welcomed.  I started to have swelling in my feet and ankles, and I developed relentless leg pain.  As doctors began to run test after test, days and then weeks went by, and I wasn’t feeling better or getting any answers.  It was in March of 2007 that I stopped working, no longer able to take the pressure of being on my painful and swollen feet and legs all shift long.  Time kept going by, and tests kept being run, but no answers came as to why I was having so many health problems.  The summer arrived right on time in early June.  I wanted to be excited, and that included being outdoors with my family and friends.  But, the warm and humid days brought new troubles.  Simply breathing became a challenge for me, and I soon required  oxygen support and lost all ability to tolerate heat.  That same week I drove for the last time because I began to experience blackouts and was steadily losing sensation in my legs.  And despite these mounting complications I still didn’t know the cause of my illness.

I grew bitter with God, and held my feelings and emotions deep inside not wanting to share my agony with anyone.  I felt betrayed by God, wondering why He would allow me to face this mountain I could not climb.  I soon lost hope for that bright tomorrow that I had always found in days past.  I would have taken my life, but God stopped me.  God stopped me using a sweet, sweet angel.  It was through the words of my little girl that my heart broke and I let Jesus back in to my life after trying so hard to drive Him out.  You see, until I became so ill and broken, I had always told my little girl how much I loved her, and that Jesus loved her too!  One night I was sitting on the sofa in our family room watching TV and feeling sorry for myself.   My daughter walked over to me, crawled up onto my lap and whispered, “Jesus loves you Daddy” while her head laid on my chest.  It was then that I knew Jesus was sitting right next to me with His hand out waiting for me to take hold.  It was not Jesus that betrayed me, but I had betrayed Jesus.

It was that night that I changed course, and started handling my struggles God’s way again.  It was that night that Philippians 1:21 became my verse of hope and encouragement.  I realized that my suffering could never be bigger than God and His power.  Through faith and determination I pushed on.  I eventually identified my  disease, discovering that it is very hard to treat, and there is no cure.  But friends, I know now that this disease can’t beat me, because I have already won the battle through the love of Jesus.  How do you involve Jesus in your own personal struggles?  Is He in the middle of the battle guiding you to victory, or did you leave Him, tearful, on the hillside to watch you lose?

Tags: change, faith, fatherhood, illness, jesus, philippians, suffering